Of Martians and Ducks
by justformusic
Summary: Duck Dodgers, the Cadet and I.Q High run into technical difficulties as usual during a trip through space. Who do they end up bumping into? Why, Meg and Marshall of course!
1. Not Again!

"Dodgers, it's not like I'm doubting your captaining abilities-" A pause, "Well, maybe I am. But the fact of the matter is we've got to find a spaceport to land in soon or else the ship's never going to make it." Dr. I.Q High paced in the bridge, waving his arms above his head emphatically.

Duck Dodgers sat reclining in his captain's seat, seemingly unperturbed by the scientist's obvious panic.

"Look, Chief, itsh really no big deal. Trust me, whatever'sth wrong with the ship I'm sure the Cadet can figure it out, right Cadet?" Dodgers looked at the large view screen in front of him, where the Cadet could be seen wading through the ship's sewage tank.

"I-I-I don't know, Captain. Everything seems fa-fuh-fi-fi-just peachy down here, I don't see anything wrong. "

"WHAT?!" Dodgers shouted, "You dare question my calculationsth?" He pulled out a copy of the ships schematics and pointed to a section circled darkly with bright red marker.

"See, right there! If I'm not misthtaken, that would be the ship'sth sthewer line. Hey wait a minute." He pulled the map close to his face and peered at it, "Isthn't the little tail-fin-thingy-"

"The rudder?" Dr. I.Q High stopped pacing long enough to stand beside Dodgers and look at the map.

"Yeah, yeah. The rudder-thingy, isthn't it sthupposed to be, you know, on the _top_ of the ship? What kind of cheap map is thisth?!" The doctor suddenly grabbed the map out of Dodgers hands, flipped it around and thrust it back. Dodgers squinted a moment then exclaimed,

"Now _that_ makesth a lot more sthense." He looked up at the view screen, where the Cadet could still be seen waist deep in murky water. "Looksth like there was a little mixth up, Cadet. Stheems like the problem is in the engine room, not the sthewer." The Cadet stared at Dodgers with a blank expression on his face. Dodgers glared back at him,

"Well whaddya doing standing around for, Cadet, hop to it!"

The Cadet sighed and trudged back up the pipe, muttering,

"I don't get a-pe-pu-pu-paid enough for this."

--

"Well that wasthn't so bad now, wasth it Cadet?" The Cadet sat at the control panel, still trying to get all the water out of his boots. He gave Dodgers a slightly annoyed look and said dryly,

"A-ne-ne-nu-not hard at all, Captain."

"That'sth the sthpirit! Now were you able to find out what'sth wrong with the ship?"

"Yes, Captain. I-I-It's the energy core. It exploded….a-a-a-again." Both the Cadet and the doctor looked at Dodgers, who looked behind him then back at the two.

"Whaaaat? Are you two blaming me? Why do I get blamed for everything!?"

"Well, Dodgers, maybe it's because you're the captain so you're supposed to be responsible for everything that happens on your ship and because you're supposed to take responsibility for your crew," Dr. I.Q counted off the reasons on his gloved fingers, "And because you are by far the most wasteful Protectorate captain I have yet to come across…Dodgers…are you even listening to me?"

Dodgers was busy shoveling handfuls of potato chips in his mouth.

"Yeah, sure Chief, whatever you sthay." He burped, "S'cuse me." He blinked and noticed the other two still staring at him,

"Common you guysth, what'sth the big deal? It'sth not like the energy core was anything important, right?"

"UGH!" Both the Cadet and the doctor smacked their foreheads with their hands. Dodgers looked at the two, puzzled.

"What?"

"The energy core is what keeps the entire ship fully operational, Dodgers! Don't you remember?! We've been through this a thousand times!" Dodgers looked back at I.Q blankly. The doctor rolled his eyes and tried again,

"No energy core, ship no move."

"Oh, well why didn't you sthay stho?" Dodgers thought for a moment, "Huh, I guess thisth isth pretty stherious. But don't fret my good men," He suddenly spun on heel and padded over to his microwave tucked away in the corner.

"Asth long asth we have our trusty microwave, everything will be-" A large tremor shook the ship and immediately the lights flickered off.

"-fine."


	2. A Plan

**Second Chapter! Hope everyone's enjoying it and hope everyone can understand what the heck Dodgers is saying. Lisps aren't that easy to write out, apparently!**

"Hmmm, you know sthomething Cadet? I sthuddenly feel a vague sthense of déjà vue." Dodgers sat in his captain's seat in the now pitch black bridge, "It'sth asth if I've been in a sthimilar sthituation before…"

"Maybe it's be-be-because we _have_ gone through this before, sir."

"Multiple times." Dr. I.Q's voice said flatly from somewhere in the darkness.

"Really? I didn't know you guysth were locked in your grandmother'sth celler by your cousinsth for three daysth with nothing to eat but dried fruit, having no light except for the small lamp I wasth able to make using only a few wiresth, an old lightbulb and two potatoes, too! Huh, sthmall world." There was a noise that sounded suspiciously like two hands smacking two sets of foreheads.

Dodgers reached in the general direction of his stockpile of food, grabbed something that felt somewhat edible and bit into it, hard. A loud metallic clank echoed around the bridge, followed by a loud:

"_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" _Then another clank as Dodgers dropped the apparently inedible item.

"_Cadet_! Who put this flashlight in my food?!" Dodgers rubbed his sore jaw and glared randomly at one corner of the bridge. A beam of light suddenly appeared behind him. He whirled around and saw the Cadet standing there, holding the flashlight.

"Uh, I don't know, sir. Be-bu-but if you don't mind me asking, how did you mistake a-the-the-this for food?"

"How many times do I have to tell ya, Cadet, don't question your senior officer!" Dodgers glared at the Cadet as Dr. I.Q made his way into the small circle of light. He glanced at the flashlight in the Cadet's hands, pulled out his notebook and began to scribble on it. The Cadet and Dodgers watched him for a second, before Dodgers finally interrupted,

"You know, Doc, asth much asth I love Tic-Tac-Toe, sthomehow I don't sthee how that'sth going to get us out of thisth messth…" I.Q shot him an irritated look.

"I'm not playing Tic-Tac-Toe, Dodgers. I'm trying to come up with a way to use the batteries found inside that flashlight and hook them up to the view screen. Once we get that up and running, we can contact any ship in the vicinity for assistance." He wrote a few more lines then rechecked his work.

"I think that does it. Alright Cadet, Dodgers, this is what we're going to do…"

--

"You know sthomething? Thisth lookths remarkably sthimilar to an art project I had to do back in fifth grade." Dodgers commented as he stood back to survey their handiwork. And by 'they' of course he meant the Cadet's and I.Q High's. The entire front control panel had been rewired, so that bits of wires splayed everywhere, connected by globs of gum, paperclips and various other Earth objects. The view screen glowed the default pale blue, as Dr. I.Q ran a gloved hand across his forehead.

"Alright, I think that does it. Now, cross your fingers." He carefully flipped a few switches and the screen began to hum. All three of them waited tensely for a few minutes, until a radar screen suddenly appeared, beeping periodically. Dr. I.Q gave a sigh of relief,

"It's working! Now all we have to do is wait for a ship to come by and hear the distress signal."

"Huh, sthounds easthy enough!" Dodgers yawned and sat back in his chair, "I could usthe a little shut-eye anywa-" Immediatley Dodgers fell asleep and began to snore loudly. The Cadet and I.Q looked at him for a moment in disbelief, until the Cadet asked tenatively,

"Uh-de-de-Doctor I.Q? Where exactly are we?" The doctor studied the image on the view screen, his expression darkening suddenly.

"Well from the looks of it, Cadet, we seem to be right smack in the middle of...Martian territory."


	3. An Unexpected Rescue

**Part three and guess who finally shows up? Thanks for the positive reviews, guys! Hope the story stays enjoyable for everyone!**

"No, Mommy…I want to go…to go see the ponies…"

"Dodgers?"

"Such…very pretty….ponies, Mommy…."

"Dodgers."

"Can I ride…the ferris….wheel?"

"DODGERS!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Dodgers bolted out of his seat, eyes wide. He stood for a moment gasping for breath, waiting for his blood pressure to go back down, as Dr. I.Q stood tapping his foot impatiently. Dodgers gave him a disapproving glare,

"Sheesh, Doc, you can't just sthneak up on people like that."

"Well as a captain, _you_ shouldn't be sleeping on the job all the time."

"Well it'sth not like there was anything interesting going on anywaysth." He stretched and walked over to where the Cadet stood, directly in front of the view screen.

"Any good newsth, Cadet?"

"A-nu-nu-not yet, sir. A-a-and we're almost out of batteries." The Cadet looked worried, "A-a-and if we don't have any batteries, we can't co-co-contact anyone. And if we can't contact anyone, no one will rescue us!…we're gonna de-de-di-uh-di-parish aren't we, Captain?"

"Pshaw, not a chance, Cadet. Besthides, a Dodgers never airs on the side of negativity!" He looked at the vast, empty void of space outside the ship.

"_WE'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE_! I'm too young to die, I tell you, too young to diiiie!" Dodgers clung to the Cadet's feet, wailing and sobbing like an infant. Suddenly the steady beeping of the radar quickened, catching I.Q's attention. He peered hopefully at the screen then cheered,

"We're saved! A ship's approaching on the starboard side!" Dodgers stopped in mid-wail,

"Really?" He straightened, brushed off his uniform and walked with dignity over to where the doctor was standing, "Psh, you sthee Cadet? You just gotta stay positive. Me? I never gave up hope." The Cadet rolled his eyes but refrained from saying anything.

The doctor suddenly tensed and frowned at the image before them.

"Uh, sthomething wrong there, Chief?"

"Ah…well, let's just say we probably shouldn't get too excited, men."

"W-ah-w-w-why, Dr. I.Q? Don't you think this ship will he-ha-he- assist us?" The doctor looked again at the image on the view screen and said,

"I'm not so sure, Cadet…because that's a Martian Imperial ship." Both Dodgers and the Cadet looked at the view screen, pupils dilated to the size of pin-pricks.

"Oh." They both said.

Suddenly a message flashed on the view screen: REQUEST TO OPEN COMMUNICATION CHANNELS. All three exchanged glances. Finally Dodgers broke the uncomfortable silence,

"Well, I sthuppose we might asth well talk to the guy, whoever he isth…it'sth not like he can't sthee usth or sthomething." The Cadet gulped as Dodgers pressed a button, opening communication. He cleared his throat and began,

"Greetingsth, Martian. I hope you're not too upsthet about the whole "flying through restricted Martian territory" thing…I'm sure we can come up with a sthatisfacory arrangement that ah-dosen't include dissthintigration."

"If it were any other Martian, Earth-Duck, you and your companions would have been thoroughly roasted by now. Count your blessings." Dodgers' eyes popped open as a familiar face appeared on the view screen. Dr. I.Q let out a tremendous sigh of relief.

"Oh thank goodness…it's Meg."

"Greetings, Doctor," Meg noticed the Cadet standing off to the side, "And Earth-Pig."

"A-a-and greetings to you, Lieutenant Meg. Boy, we're sure glad i-i-it's you who showed up and not one of the Commanders!" Meg eyed them disapprovingly,

"You do realize that trespassing is an Intergalactic offense that not even someone in _my_ position can excuse you from? Lucky for you, I am out of uniform and therefore do not have any current obligation to take you into custody. Though next time you may not be as fortunate, so I suggest proceeding with more caution." She turned away from the screen and spoke to her on-board computer,

"Open hatch and allow boarding." She turned back to the three stunned faces looking back at her and said casually,

"Your ship looks as though it won't be going anywhere soon, so I suggest you join me on my ship and we can discuss what needs to be done before we are all caught by a member of the Martian High Command who is less forgiving than I am." Before they could reply, Meg cut off the transmission, leaving a blank screen in her wake. Dodgers glared at the empty screen and said angrily,

"_Me_? Get help from that-that Martian?! Not on her life!" He turned back to his companions, who stared at him pointedly.

"Dodgers, it's not like we have much of a choice. We can either accept Meg's help or else wait around until someone else discovers us. Do you want to wait and see if Commander X-2 shows up?"

"I'd rather deal with that little eight-ball than…" The searing glare I.Q sent his way immediately shut him up. He sighed,

"Well, we might as well get thisth cheery little visthit over with. Let's go, Cadet."

"R-r-r-right behind you, boss."

--

"Whe-e-ere is she? Whe-e-ere is she?" Dodgers swung his head from side to side, eyes narrowed suspiciously. He flattened himself against the side of the corridor and tried to peek around the corner. When he was convinced there was no obvious threat, he crept into the large conference room. The Cadet and Dr. I.Q followed at a distance, watching him questioningly.

"Uh…Ca-cu-ca-captain…what are you doing?" Dodgers slapped a hand over the Cadet's mouth, shushing him loudly.

"Cadet! Whaddya trying to do? Give away our posthition?!" He scanned the room while Dr. I.Q flung his hands up over his head in frustration,

"Dodgers, the Lieutenant invited us on her ship! Of _course_ she knows what our position is." Dodgers' expression darkened as his eyes scanned the area a second time,

"…that'sth what she _wantsth_ usth to think. Why, I bet thisth whole thing isth just a set up to trap usth like ratsth, box usth, gift-wrapped and shipped off to the Martian Imperial Center. AHA!" He exclaimed, pouncing suddenly on something lying on the floor. He rose slowly, peering at the object closely. Both the Cadet and the doctor looked over his shoulder.

"I-i-it looks like just an ordinary pen to me, sir." Dodgers whirled, holding the object close to the Cadet's face.

"...that'sth what she _wantsth_ usth to think! Why, I bet thisth-" A soft cough suddenly interrupted Dodgers' ravings, causing all three to turn around. Meg leaned casually in the doorway, watching them.

"As amusing as all these shenanigans are, might I suggest we move on?" Dodgers marched up to her, giving her an accusing look.

"Listhen, Thumbelina, I don't know what you're trying to pull here but I'll have you know that it takesth more than a little pint-sthized Martian maiden like yoursthelf to pull the wool over _my_ eyes. Yesthiree, why I'll have you know back in my day…" Meg listened to Dodgers' ramblings for a few seconds, before apparently losing interest and walked over to a large control panel on the wall. She selected a button and pressed it.

Meanwhile, Dodgers continued his monologue.

"….and _that_ wasth only with half an oyster and a sthcrewdriver! Stho you sthee, m'dear, you are no ma-mu-ma…" Dodgers' eyes glazed over as the large conference table suddenly flipped over, revealing a heaping pile of food. He gasped and made a bee-line for the plate of blazin' onion curly fritters. Meg dusted off her hands, looking pleased with herself and turned her attention to the other two,

"Well now, I suppose that will keep him busy for-" She glanced back at Dodgers, who had already wolfed down a good portion of the food, "-about ten more minutes. Now Doctor, Earth-Pig, what repairs need to be done to get you…and the duck, out of here?"


	4. Enter Marshall

**Part Four - Man, I wasn't planning on this story going on so long! Sorry about the lack of action in this section, I promise the next part will have more swashbuckling fun and everyone's favorite Martian. Thanks for reading this far!**

"Mmm, mmm! Now that hitsth the sthpot!" Dodgers somehow managed to say between handfuls of cheese fries, "I guessth that vertically challenged little Martian isthn't stho bad after all-" He gasped suddenly, as he spied an enormous sub sandwich resting on a plate nearby.

"Well aren't you justht a delicious little morsel, you!" Eyes growing as large as dinner plates, he scrambled onto the table and admired the delicacy, "Come to papa!" He reached out to grab it, when a pair of green feathered hands snatched the sub off the plate right before his eyes.

"Whaaa?!" Dodgers whipped his head around, searching for his beloved sandwich. A loud munching sound caught his attention and he turned to see a large vulture-like creature chewing happily on the sandwich. Before Dodgers could object, the creature swallowed the last tidbits of the sub, licking the crumbs off its hands and sighing contentedly.

"You _fiend_! That was my sub! My sub I tell you!" Dodgers raved at the creature, stomping around the table. The creature looked back at him, uninterested, then scanned the remaining plates for more edible goodies.

"Oooooh, no you don't!" Dodgers pushed its head away from the food, "Thisth is my food, ya hear me? MINE!" He pounced on a platter of donuts, protecting it fiercely.

The creature glared at Dodgers, trying to sneak around him to reach the donuts. Dodgers grabbed a bundle of napkins and whacked the creature repeatedly,

"Back! Back, I sthay!"

All the commotion caught the attention of Meg, Dr. I.Q and the Cadet who turned towards the conference table and saw the battle raging on. Meg rolled her eyes,

"Not exactly what I was expecting but for some reason I'm not all that surprised." She snapped her fingers and called out, "Marshall! Come here boy!"

Marshall's head shot up as he scrambled off the table and hurried over towards Meg, thoughts of food immediately forgotten. He bent his long, knobby neck down and looked eagerly at her. She chuckled and gave him a quick pat on the head.

"Good boy! Now, I have some business to deal with presently so why don't you go back to the bridge and keep an eye on the radar. Alert me immediately if you detect another ship in the area, understand? I think it's better if you leave the crabby old Earth-duck alone with his food." Marshall nodded eagerly and quickly padded out the door. Dodgers, still hunched over his plate of donuts, shouted from the table,

"Yeah and good riddance, you lousthy sthcavenger!" He settled back and promptly prepared to dig in. Suddenly he felt a tap on the shoulder,

"Common on!…what now?!...huh?" To his surprise there was no one behind him, "Oh well, mustht have been my imagination. Now, back to these donutsth - _WHAT_?!" He turned back to find the platter completely cleaned off, crumbs and all. A wheezy snicker from the opposite side of the room caused him to whirl around. He jolted when he saw Marshall, nibbling on the last donut, lumber out the door looking entirely pleased with himself.

"HEY! Get back here! I _demand_ recompensthe! Why I oughtta…!"

--

Meg chuckled again then quickly returned her attention back to the matter at hand.

"What is it that you need?"

"W-w-uh-w-well, we actually only need an energy core. I-i-i-if you can spare one, that is." Meg looked at the two in disbelief.

"Another energy core? This is the third one this month!"

"Er-actually, Lieutenant, this will be the…ah…_fourth_ energy core." Dr. I.Q coughed nervously, "Dodgers…ah…had to _borrow_ the last one from the Commander." His statement conveyed a wealth of meaning, which Meg caught on to immediately. She pinned both of them with a hard stare, arms crossed and tapped her foot rapidly in frustration. Both the Cadet and I.Q shuffled uncomfortably beneath her gaze.

"You realize that you are making my job much more difficult than it has to be." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, "It's not exactly easy to be an Earth Advocate on Mars, especially when you Earthlings are slinking around _'borrowing'_ military grade energy cores willy-nilly!"

"Sheesh, I don't sthee what you're getting all worked up about." A burp. "It'sth not like the little cue-ball didn't have it coming to him." Meg strode over to the conference table, where a now gorged Dodgers sat, still picking away at the last remnants of food.

"Though I won't discount the fact that perhaps the Commander _did_ have it 'coming to him' as you so put it, Earth-duck," She eyed him distastefully as another burp escaped his mouth, "That still does not excuse you from violating interplanetary regulations. Oh forgive me," She paused sweetly, "am I using too many big words?" Dodgers somehow managed to get his over-fed girth up into a standing position and waddled over to where Meg stood, leaning on the table. His eyes narrowed and he jabbed an accusing finger towards her.

"Listhen, shortcake, I may not have understood a sthingle word you just sthaid, but I can tell when I am not wanted. Cadet!" The Cadet popped up beside him and saluted, "We're blowing thisth popsthicle stand!" Dodgers whirled and stomped, head held high, towards the exit. Meg watched the melodrama unfolding before her with a look of amusement on her face. She inspected her nails casually before saying,

"My, it must be difficult to pilot a ship…especially without an energy core that's fully operational." Dodgers froze in mid-step and turned slowly to face her, clearly not amused.

"You sthly dog, you." Meg returned his frown with a smug smile, waving her hand lightly.

"Just doing my job."

Before Dodgers could shoot back a reply, a loud buzz echoed throughout the ship. Meg glanced quickly at a small device around her wrist, her face suddenly looking troubled. She quickly turned to the other three and said in a stern voice,

"A ship has been detected nearby. You will all remain here until I find out who it is." Without waiting for a reply she strode out of the conference room, door sliding closed and locking behind her.


End file.
